How To Spend Meaningful Time With Your Child

18 Summers, 940 Saturdays, and they’re gone. Just. Like.That. Time with our kids is finite, fleeting, and flies by in the blink of an eye. When my daughters walk out the door, bags packed, ready for life on their own – how will I feel?

Will I have given them the tools to thrive?

Will I have given them enough love to keep our bond alive?

Will I have been the mom I said I would be?

As they take those first steps toward their future, how will they feel?

Will they feel relieved?

Will they feel ill-equipped?

Will they feel like they have something to prove?

You may be thinking these are not the questions of a present and positive mom. You’re right. These questions come from my younger self. I was 15 when I left home and I was a mess. I wasn’t even a little sad to leave everyone and everything behind. I wasn’t the least bit scared of how I would survive on my own. I just wanted to show my mom I was significant and I was willing to pay whatever price was necessary.

Looking back, I am astonished at just how brave I was at that young age, even if what fueled me was anger, pain, and indignation. I don’t ever want any human being to feel what I felt, especially not my daughters, and more importantly, not if it’s up to me. I am committed to having a strong relationship with my daughters and to make sure they feel loved, understood, and accepted.

But wait, I have something to clarify. I’ve engaged with other moms online, whether on my Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram accounts about the part we play in getting along with our children. Don’t take this information personally.

I get it – you’re already doing you can possibly do. You’re a great mom, although you feel like a failure more times than you’d care to admit. 

You have all these to-do lists and all these hopes and dreams, but it’s so hard to get around to doing it all, and you’re probably already overwhelmed with the thought that I’m going to give you even more to do. Plus, you’ve tried so many things and they didn’t seem to work.

Here’s the deal: in parenting, just like in other aspects of life, you are only responsible for the effort, not the outcome.

The good news is that what you do and say matters more than you may think and how you show up as a mom can genuinely compel your kids to respond in more positive ways. 

Instead of living in fear of your daughter’s teenage years, you can lay a firm foundation by savoring the time you spend with her, focusing on making sure she feels seen, heard, and understood.

Your kids are living miracles and, no matter what your parenting style or philosophy, this is true for any kid at any age and stage: your child needs to spend meaningful time with you.

Now, before you start to feel like this is impossible, know that you don’t need to spend 24 hours around your children, you may not even need to spend any more time than you already spend with them. It’s about making your moments with them more memorable, more meaningful, and more magical.

Rather than feeling guilty that you don’t do what others do or mourning the time you don’t have, think about ways to connect with your child on teen that make sense for your their interests, your relationship, and your lifestyle.

The all-elusive quality time we so yearn for and never seem to “find” can happen when you least expect it and not necessarily in scheduled chunks of time with a sophisticated plan. The most impactful moments with your child can – and will – happen in small doses throughout your day… in minutes. It’s all about making the minutes matter.

These precious moments in which your kids need your reassurance, nurturing, and attention, can fit your budget, and don’t have to be elaborate, difficult to pull off, time-consuming, or complicated, yet they can have a positive effect on kids as they grow.

My daughters and I spend time together in the kitchen, running errands, going to entrepreneur or influencer events, at the library, fixing things together (Elisha is the queen of home improvement), doing yoga or meditation, organizing or strategizing. These are activities we would do anyway, so we just make it a point to being more intentional about them, taking the time to praise, appreciate, hug, smile, laugh, hold hands, be silly, and speak their love language in some way.

Creating time for daily distraction-free connection time is essential. Having rituals or routines and traditions is a great way to spend meaningful time with your child, and it can be as simple as making and eating meals together.

Teaching is probably my favorite way to connect with my daughters. Whether it’s been cooking, sewing, budgeting, dancing Latin music, or finding life lessons in movies and musical plays, it makes me happy to know that they’re learning valuable skills and life skills and I’m learning who they are and who they are becoming.

We don’t do video games at home, but we are board game fans. Playing games our kids enjoy can teach us a lot about how their nature and how they relate to other “players” in their lives. I think everyone’s true self is more likely to come out when there’s winning and losing and a little competition involved. There are so many teaching moments that can spontaneously occur in this setting.

There are so many ways moms and daughters and moms and sons can spend time together. There is no blueprint or a right way to do it as long as you both savor your time together.

If you haven’t been having regular mommy-daughter dates, I suggest you start by finding your common interests. What is something that both you and your daughter genuinely enjoy? Do that together! Jumping on the trampoline together is one we all like at home because it’s a hit with all ages.

I invest on my daughters’ interests even when they are not my jam and they terrify me sometimes (read hiking or rollercoasters). I also share my interests with them (listening to 80’s music or watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S.), and we create new traditions, too! (like Valentine’s Day makeovers, the First day of Spring picnic, or going to the movies in our PJs… whenever!). 

I recently went on a mother-daughter date with all my three girls, courtesy of  Belfioré Spa and Salon in Rockwall, TX, and it was a great experience. We drove almost 2 hours there and back, so that was part of the fun. Talks with your children while you’re driving to and from a destination (especially a fun one!) are sometimes the most powerful bonding experiences you can ever have because they are relaxed and there’s no need for direct eye contact!

It was the first time all four of us girls had pedicures together! They have a charming boutique, a peaceful Relaxation Room where you can have a beverage of your choice, a serene spa, and excellent hair salon. They offer facials, nail services, hair removal, permanent cosmetic makeup, and I’ve heard it’s one of the best massages and body therapies in Dallas-Fort Worth!

My daughters thought the Heal Your Heels Pedicure was such a special surprise. Our feet felt so smooth and soft and we felt pampered in such a luxurious and calm atmosphere.

Whether you spend time with all your kids at once or one-on-one, there are positive benefits that come from having mother-daughter and mother-son dates:

Strengthening your bond. I don’t want to choose between being my daughters’ mother and their friend. I want to be both – and I am! When we have fun times together or make memories together, we don’t just love each other more, but we like each other more, too!

Build self-esteem. When you carve out time – no matter how much – to make your child feel special, you are sending a true message “you matter.” What we value is reflected in our priorities and when we make our children a priority, they feel valued and important. Humans of all ages feel cared for when someone values their needs, wants, and desires. When children don’t get the positive attention they need, they may act out, so by knowing you’re not “always busy,” and that you’re available emotionally, you can help prevent unnecessary negative behavior or situations in the home.

 Build trust. When you spend time with your children, especially one-on-one time, you can really get to know your child and they can get to know you. When you take the time to listen to your child, you can connect with your kids in a way that builds trust. When children have the confidence to tell you when they’re sad, hurt, excited, confused, and even depressed, you have the precious opportunity to be there for them. My goal is that my daughters feel they have a safe space in you to express their feelings and share their mishaps and perceived misfortunes with me. It has taken intentional loving effort to gain their trust and I continue to strive to show up as a trustworthy person for them and to make sure they know I love them unconditionally.

If you are not sure how to start these deep conversations, maybe a mother-daughter journal like this one or a simple notebook is great to get started. Writing out thoughts and emotions can sometimes be easier than saying them out loud. 

I started out my journey as a positive mom saying “I want to be the mom I wish I had,” but as I grow and learn, I realize, it’s really not about me. It’s about my daughters, each of them – individually.

What kind of mom do they want me to be?

What will unequivocally communicate to them I am on their side?

What can we do together to create connection, belonging, and trust?

When I ask myself (and my kids!) these questions and I am guided by the answers, I release the guilt and I no longer experience anxiety about how fast they grow or whether I spent endless hours with them.

“Parent” is not synonymous with “control freak.” To parent is to rear, raise, and nurture, and it takes time and consistent action to do that.

I know I can’t slow down time and that my relationship with my daughters won’t ever be perfect and neither will they, but I know I will feel like a successful mom if I give them the tools they need to succeed and have plenty of moments to access in my memory when I miss them being around.

How do you spend meaningful time with your child? Share your experiences in the comments below!

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