Rumors, secrets, lies, comments, and whispers behind your back… Do they sting you as much as they do me?

As a reader of The Positive Mom blog, I highly doubt that you are a gossiper. You’re probably here because of you can’t stand it either.

When I thought about putting together a list of quotes that will make you rethink gossip, I was thinking more about the fact that we sometimes get unwillingly involved in gossip because we don’t want to hurt feelings, say no, and decline unsolicited information.

I recently had a hurtful event happen in my life that reminded me what I already knew: gossip is a nasty disease, a poison that kills relationships.

I’ll be sharing my reflections along with each of these gossip quotes and I’d love to hear yours, too.

“Watch out for the joy-stealers: gossip, criticism, complaining, faultfinding, and a negative, judgmental attitude.”  ~ Joyce Meyer

Even though we are focusing on gossip, it’s good to put it in the right context and category. When we criticize and judge others, we inevitably will judge ourselves.

It’s really difficult to be happy or even productive with this mindset and outlook, let alone to have healthy friendships and relationships.

So make a list – and check it twice, and limit your interactions with people who constantly blame, complain, and judge. They drain your energy – and you need every little bit of it!

Surround yourself with people with good character who are invested in listening to what’s happening with you and willing to share vulnerably what is happening with them, rather than talking about third-parties in a negative way.

“Believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see.” ~ Unknown

This gossip quote is powerful because it reminds us that, no matter how much we think we know, we never really know the whole story.

We don’t even know why we do what we do sometimes, let alone know the precise reason why others do what they do.

“Gossiping and lying go hand in hand.” ~ Proverb

Gossiping leads to making up and spreading rumors about someone else. This is not something that only happens in high school. It happens in motherhood (in adulthood) more often than we think.

As a matter of fact, workplace gossip can be brutal and take a toll on someone’s mental, physical, and emotional health.

“Gossip is when you have a malice of intent or mindless, third-party conversation to someone about someone, something you haven’t said to that someone.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant

I like how Iyanla lays it out here. The issue here is that we usually convince ourselves that we don’t have malicious intent. It’s essential that we continue to question ourselves and why we do something.

I had a situation in which I had entered into a business deal with someone and, without thinking, I recommended her to one of my dear coaching clients. When this business partner proved to be unreliable, I pondered for a long time about whether I should share this information with the client or it would be gossiping (in the form of venting).

I finally decided to approach her and let her know it was my responsibility to let her know that I no longer trusted this person and that she was free to do work with her, but I retired my endorsement. I felt peace about this because my sole motive was to protect my client and I had expressed all my concerns and feelings to that someone, as well.

So it’s not like we never talk about anyone to anyone, but that we examine our intentions and where we are coming from, and that we are transparent with all parties involved.

“Words spoken can never be recalled.” ~ Wentworth Dillon

Oh, this one hits hard. I know I’m not alone in wanting to take back words I have said before. And so many times it’s someone else saying something about us and they cannot unsay them. Even when they take it back, the damage is done.

So many celebrities are canceled for a tweet they posted over a decade ago. And even now that you can edit them, people screenshot them and use those as receipts.

Like when someone has sent me a message on WhatsApp and then the message shows as deleted in the thread, but I read the whole thing before they removed it or when the notifications popped up. It’s too late.

You have only a few seconds to unsend an email. And when you’ve said something live, there’s no editing that.

So I’m telling you this knowing very well that it’s a message I am telling myself: let’s be mindful of the words we use and what we say about others. They have the power to start wars.

“People gossip. People are insecure, so they talk about other people so that they won’t be talked about. They point out flaws in other people to make them feel good about themselves.” ~ Blake Lively

I am not really a Blake Lively fan and I’ve never seen Gossip Girl. I also don’t know if this quote is from the show itself or an interview she gave about it.

What I do know is that Blake Lively uttered really insightful words about gossip here.

If you think about it, people who gossip, just like people who bully others, are projecting. As Blake Lively points out, they are escaping their own feelings and their own reality through gossip.

So we can liken gossip to a drug because it is a coping mechanism, and like any of these, it can get out of hand and damage and, ultimately, destroy lives.

“Words have no wings but they can fly a thousand miles.“ ~ Korean Proverb

To explain one proverb with another, we’ve all heard that “bad news travels fast.” This is especially true when it’s bad news about other people, and it’s even worse in small towns.

So just like we can’t take back the words we say, we can’t really predict how they will spread. And when someone is spreading gossip about us, the extent of the damage can be shocking and devastating.

“Your dignity can be mocked, abused, compromised, toyed with, lowered, and even badmouthed, but it can never be taken from you. You have the power today to reset your boundaries, restore your image, start fresh with renewed values, and rebuild what has happened to you in the past.” ~ Shannon L. Alder

It really hurts when people spread rumors about us or gossip behind our back. Your feelings are valid and it’s normal to feel a wide range of them: anger, sadness, and everything in between.

At the same time, you can decide to take small steps to move forward. This is usually hard because you’re grieving, but it is possible.

Those tiny steps will compound and you’ll eventually – soon enough – will be on the other side, especially as you surround yourself by your best friends. Your best friends can help you recover from even that worst gossip, because your identity and their love go beyond the good name that others tried to destroy.

“They have the unique ability to listen to one story and understand another.” ~ Pandora Poikilos

This is one of my favorite quotes on this list because some people hear everything you say through a special filter. You can’t really do anything right in their eyes and every word that comes out of your mouth will be manipulated or misunderstood.

Since we can only control what we do and say, then that’s all we can take personal responsibility for. We must learn to focus on ourselves and let go of the need to please someone else or to keep the peace, when it’s not ours to keep. Let them have their opinion – they are entitled to it! I’m not saying this is easy but I am saying that it’s necessary.

“What man ever openly apologizes for slander? It is not so much a feeling of slander as it is that of a massive lie, a misdeed not only to the slandered but also to those manipulated in the process. He has made them all, every one, his enemies, thereupon he is so overwhelmed with guilt that he will deny it until his grave.” ~ Criss Jami

This is just sad and yet so true. It’s better not to expect an apology or retraction from a gossiper. Can you imagine what it’s like to live with that It’s a heavy burden. That’s the price they have to pay to pretend that they are right, when they know in reality they are not.

It’s a very foolish stance that traps so many people and that we must avoid at all cost.

“Be less curious about people and more curious about ideas.” ~ Marie Curie

It’s one thing to be curious about someone’s well being so that we could help and support, because of our noble hearts and another is to be curious about someone’s problems so we can talk about them.

Being curious about ideas includes being curious about ideas to be there for someone, and it also includes being curious about ideas that can solve problems. Great things happen when we focus on solutions. It’s like the TED mission says: Ideas change everything.

“Often those that criticize others reveal what he himself lacks.” ~ Shannon L. Alder

There’s that quote from Theodore Roosevelt’s speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, on April 23, 1910 – over 100 years ago that never gets old:

It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.

The people who are gossiping and criticizing are not living out their life’s purpose. They are waisting their time – and their lives – being preoccupied with someone else’s business. And the more they gossip, the less fulfilled they feel and the more they feel they lack.

We must focus on our worthy causes and become the person in the arena, and let other live their lives. And as for those who criticize us, well, as Teddy said – their opinion does not count.

How would your life be different if…You walked away from gossip and verbal defamation? Let today be the day…You speak only the good you know of other people and encourage others to do the same.” ~ Steve Maraboli

This one is the key to freedom. It takes courage because we usually don’t want to “offend” someone when we reject the gossip they bring. I realized that the risk of them feeling called out or even rejected is not worth the risk of compromising my values and standards. Plus, it helps me remember that I don’t want to please others at my own expense.

Speaking only good of people is easier than encouraging others to do the same, and both are guaranteed to make our lives more peaceful and even productive.

It reminds me of that wise counsel given by Paul to the Philippians in chapter 4, verse 8:

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Maybe it’s not enough to strive to only think about these things in general, but think in that way about people, and speak only words that match this description. Yes, it’s hard, but I’m not talking about doing it perfectly, just doing it more intentionally.

“Isn’t it kind of silly to think that tearing someone else down builds you up?” ~ Sean Covey

I read that the word “fool” is mentioned 360 times in the Bible and 99 times in the Book of Proverbs alone. Being foolish is human!

And Sean Covey is right that when we look at it, it’s definitely silly to think this way. It’s also a trauma response.

I’m not saying this to justify gossip, but to say that if you feel like gossiping fills a void within you, then it’s imperative that you explore your unresolved trauma. Self-exploration is the best way to start the journey of emotional healing so we can truly have the ability to do better when we know better.

“It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).” ~ Brian P. Cleary

I don’t know about this one. Do you think there was a little bit of sarcasm on this one or did he mean this literally?

I mean, I can see how I would talk about a close family member to another to try to help their situation. On the other hand, isn’t this just like a way to preface gossip to not sound like a gossiper?

It’s like:

“No offense, but…” or

 “Don’t take this the wrong way…”

“It’s none of my business, but…”

And some people will have the audacity to tell you the “juiciest gossip” in the form of a prayer request. You know, we didn’t need to know all those details to put someone on our prayer list.

What do you say about this one?

“Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It’s gossip.” ~ Erma Bombeck

They say that “the only time people dislike gossip is when it’s about them.” I think this proves Erma Bombeck right.

I don’t know if I agree, because many many many times, I have felt really uncomfortable hearing gossip, I’ve felt really uncomfortable.

Other times, I have left a conversation knowing I crossed the line and feeling extremely sad and regretful because I engaged in gossip, or even started it.

On the other hand, celebrity gossip sells magazines, increases TV ratings, garners social media subscriptions, views, comments, likes, and shares, and has the attention of billions of people around the planet.

I do think it’s more popular than baseball, and this comes from a baseball fan.

And speaking of social media. With this new technology, I think we need to consider forwarding a social media post or sending a screenshot as a gossip starter.

Have you received one of these with the caption: “Did you see this?” And maybe even with the eyes emoji thrown in for good measure? Then you know what I mean.

Gossip can can show up in subtle ways and we must be vigilant not to fall into the temptation.

“People love gossip. It’s the biggest thing that keeps the entertainment industry going.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres

I know Ellen has been canceled, and I don’t know anything about what happened, because I wasn’t there. But what I do know is that canceling people has become a huge part of the entertainment industry and that this action is rooted in gossip.

I think we all have singers, actors/actresses, and musicians we follow or admire, and then we start to follow their lives and make judgments either on them or the people who either worship or criticize them.

I’ve attended press junkets, red carpets, and movie premieres after parties and have met countless celebrities in different settings, and they are just regular people.

It bothers me when people start judging celebrities and their work mercilessly, especially when they are going through a hard time. If gossip is keeping the industry going, it’s also keeping addiction, misery, and suicide going, because no one can be happy with that kind of treatment by millions and sometimes billions. It should stop.

“No one gossips about other people’s secret virtues.” ~ Bertrand Russell

This one made me chuckle because if we were sharing people’s secret virtues, it wouldn’t be called gossip anyway. Great play on words, Bertrand Russell.

I do get his point. Rather than blaming, judging, and criticizing others behind their back, we could choose to share stories that build them up.

“People will question all the good things they hear about you but believe all the bad without a second thought.” ~ Unknown

I can see you nodding your head. Well, just figuratively.

I think this is one we can all relate to. People are surprised or even shocked about the great things you do, say, or accomplish. They fail to celebrate you or give you the proper credit, but as soon as they hear something negative, they believe it in a heartbeat.

That’s why we must learn to be immune to others’ opinions. We need to choose our own council, made up of people who have proven that they are safe for you, that they support you, and that they see you.

And if you’re going to take advice, it better be from someone who has a proven track record doing the thing you want to do. Anyone outside of that circle and that qualification has the right to freedom of speech and you have the right and the freedom to ignore it.

“If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.”  ~ Aesop (c.620-560 BC)

This is something Thumper also said, a character in Bambi. And it’s true. Now this doesn’t mean that you don’t help someone with constructive feedback or that you don’t help someone out with direct advice.

Sometimes the truth isn’t a bunch of nice words strung together. However, you can share hard things nicely.

It’s not what you say sometimes, it’s how you say it. So remember: Silence is golden, and often required.

“Whoever gossips to you, will gossip about you.” ~ Spanish Proverb

I’ve always repeated this proverb to my daughters. I’ve found it to be true every single time someone shared gossip or tried to gossip with me. Not long after, my name would be dragged into some nasty untrue rumor.

And the thing is, that those who who participate will end up in the same way. As we reject gossip, we can also avoid being victims of it, even if in a small way.

“What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t witness with your mouth.”  ~ Jewish Proverb

This is a rule that maybe should be taught in early childhood at home and school, and definitely wherever people meet and congregate.

People start sharing statements and making assumptions or merely repeating something about someone when they weren’t there. I mean, even when you are there, you don’t have all the sides of the story or might be looking at it from a limited perspective. That is all of us in every situation, really.

We must strive to only share what we saw and to add the disclaimer that there’s definitely more to what we saw, heard, or witnessed because we are not God and do not know all things.

“Gossip is saying behind their back what you would not say to their face. Flattery is saying to their face what you would not say behind their back.” ~ Unknown

I love this juxtaposition of flattery and gossip. I think this definition of gossip serves as a great litmus test, too.

Whoever said this is brilliant.

Asking ourselves “Would I say this to their face?” can be truly transformative so we can avoid gossip. Of course, when we find out that someone has said something about us, we can know whether it is gossip or not as we assess whether this is something they would say to our faces.

“It is just as cowardly to judge an absent person as it is wicked to strike a defenseless one. Only the ignorant and narrow-minded gossip, for they speak of persons instead of things.“ ~ Lawrence G. Lovasik

This gossip quote gives us a really powerful visual of how horrible gossip is. It is something that resonates with me because when I have experienced learning that someone is gossiping about me, it really feels so painful that I have felt it in my body.

While we recognize that gossipers are ignorant, the pain gossip can cause is real and valid and can take a long time to heal.

“Gossip needn’t be false to be evil – there’s a lot of truth that shouldn’t be passed around.” ~ Frank A. Clark

While gossip might be true or contain at least a grain of truth, it is still damaging. It’s not even about revealing new secrets about someone. It could be something well-known and it’s still damaging.

In these cases, it’s really all about the motive and the truth is that we cannot judge someone else’s motive. I have shared information about my past, for example, and it has been more about my healing and my purpose of helping others, and not really about sharing news about them.

When I shared about being kidnapped at age 19, I wrote about him being “a monster” just to be true to what I thought at that time. Later on, I had an afterlife experience where I found forgiveness for this man and

“Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

We all have great minds, but many don’t necessarily take advantage of them fully. Eleanor Roosevelt gives us this great way to identify gossipers in our lives.

Strong minds talk about great things and weak minds talk about things. If someone’s a big fan of gossip – that’s what we call having a weak mind. This is not a derogatory label – something weak can be strengthened.

“How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbour says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself, to make it just and holy.” ~ Marcus Aurelius

One of my dear mentors, Jay Conrad Levinson, used to say “Time is life.” When we gossip, we waste our life. When we abstain from gossip, we save energy for beloved people and meaningful activities.

We free our time to focus on growing, learning, achieving our goals, and being present for ourselves and others.

“Who brings a tale takes two away.” ~ Irish Proverb

This proverb tells us that a person who spreads gossip to you or fabricates stories about someone else will be fabricating stories about you.

These tales will cause harm, will create conflict, and will ruin lives.

The proverb warns us against whoever is bringing us “the tea” because it will spill on us and burn us.

“Do not repeat anything you will not sign your name to.” ~ Author Unknown

This is self-explanatory and another litmus test. It can be eye-opening. It’s taught me to be more careful.

Whenever we say something, it’s as if we are signing our name to it. We could get involved in serious gossip because we didn’t fact-check something before we repeated it.

In the same way, I have learned to have a little bit more grace for others because they might have fallen into this trap.

The truth is that even though this gossip didn’t start with you, it can end with you.

“I resolve to speak ill of no man whatever, not even in a matter of truth; but rather by some means excuse the faults I hear charged upon others, and upon proper occasions speak all the good I know of everybody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

Benjamin Franklin sounds like a saint. These are some high standards. My dad has a similar philosophy – although he’s never really shared it out loud, this is what I see him do. You know they say actions speak louder than words.

This is a great way to live and something we should strive for each day.

“‘They say’ is often a great liar.” ~ Proverb

Let’s start this reflection with a few questions: Who are THEY? And when did they say this? And why did they say it?

This quote teaches us the lesson that we must run away from any conversation where someone quotes or references “them.”

It will likely get you in trouble and might be spreading poisonous information about others – a no-win situation.

“There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us, that it hardly becomes any of us to talk about the rest of us.” ~ Edward Wallis Hoch

I love this quote. It is a bit of a tongue-twister for me, but it rings so true because none of us are bad and none of us are perfect.

We cannot be defined by our best moment and we cannot be defined by our worst moment.

It’s the same concept Jesus taught and so many spiritual teachers have shared: No one is

“Count not him among your friends who will retail your privacies to the world.”  ~ Publilius Syrus

This is very clear in that we must not be friends with people who divulge private details about our lives, no matter why.

This doesn’t mean you are going to be enemies or even hold resentment, it’s just that you are going to accept the reality that this person is not someone you can trust, so you don’t.

“Loose tongues are worse than wicked hands.” ~ Jewish Proverb

Words sometimes produce the deepest violence. Gossiping is bullying and it can be abusive. This is not a matter of intent, it’s a matter of impact. The consequences of gossip can be devastating and catastrophic, whether the person with the loose tongue meant it or not.

Some people boast and pride themselves in being peaceful and yet they spread lies or misinformation about others.

Gossip can drive people to self-hatred, self-harm, and even suicide. There’s nothing light about it.

“The things most people want to know about are usually none of their business.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

Whoa – this is a slap in the face, and yet so true. I know that I share a lot about my life both here and on my social channels, but there’s a reason behind anything that I don’t share.

And it’s true – it’s not anyone’s business, just like it’s not my business whatever other people might choose to keep to themselves.

Focusing on my business and only my business – can bless us a great deal.

Which gossip quote listed above do you resonate with the most?

I know gossip, slander, and false accusations can be hurtful and are completely unnecessary; however, the most important fact to remember is that it really doesn’t matter what other people think you are, it’s who you really are that truly matters. Like Dr. Seuss always says:

Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind, don’t matter.

It is usually people who know the least or care the least about a situation that somehow “have the most to say.” It would be great if we all focused on mastering ourselves, rather than wasting time gossiping, passing judgment, and betraying people behind their backs.

There are many places in the Bible dedicated to warn us against “malicious gossips, busybodies, slanderers, talebearers, whisperers, false witnesses, quarrelers, meddlers, deceivers, backbiters.” My 3 favorite verses about this topic are:

1. Where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth [Proverbs 26:20]
2. And to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs [1 Thessalonians 4:11]
3. Judge not, that you be not judged. [Matthew 7:1]

One of my sassiest good friends always says “I wish they’d get a life so they can stop talking about mine!” I see her point; most productive people have no time to spare complaining, comparing, competing, condemning, and criticizing others. Furthermore, many talk about others because they are lacking or hiding something in their own personal lives.

Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book “The Four Agreements,” which just happens to be one of my favorite books on the planet, says this:

“Be Impeccable With your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.”

What is your favorite gossip quote? I would love to hear it! Meanwhile, keep avoiding gossip and corrupt communication.

• When someone wants to gossip to you or in your presence: change the subject
• Confront the people who gossip about you and set boundaries.
• Remember The Golden Rule

Which gossip quote do you like most? Share in the comments below – and I invite you to spread kindness and compassion, rather than gossip and judgment. xo

Founder of the Positive MOM® and creator of the S.T.O.R.Y. System: a blueprint to craft and share powerful stories that will transform your results and help others do the same. Dr. Elayna Fernández is a single mom of 4, an award-winning Storyteller, Story Strategist, and Student of Pain. She’s a bestselling author, internationally acclaimed keynote speaker, and 5x TEDx speaker. She has spoken at the United Nations, received the President’s Volunteer Lifetime Achievement Award, and was selected as one of the Top Impactful Leaders and a Woman of Influence by SUCCESS Magazine. Connect with Elayna at thepositivemom.com/ef and follow @thepositivemom. To receive a gift from Elayna, click HERE.

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