It’s 10:25 pm and I have a headache. I haven’t slept well in days (make that weeks), and I have a sink full of dishes. I was planning to post before 3pm, too. I could write, and do chores, but, you know what? I’m going to relax, and watch a movie until I fall asleep. I need it. My family needs it. I’d be selfish to deny myself of what I need right now.
As much as I would like to “be special” and not need anything or anybody, I have needs, because moms have needs, too. All human moms do. I can’t really speak for the robot types. LOL
Everyone around me has needs and wants me to meet them, and even though we get good at neglecting our needs, we come to the occasional epiphany of “hey, what about my needs as a mom? I got’em, too, you know!”
I’ve talked about this and you know I think that getting your needs met isn’t selfish; however, today I’ll take it up a notch: It’s selfish to neglect your needs as a mom.
I know this is quite a statement to make, but listen for a few minutes. We don’t mean to be selfish as we do want to do what is best for our kids. It’s just that we get lost trying to help, protect, and care for our children, when they can benefit far more from having an empowered mom who lives true to who she is and, as a result, is happy, confident, and fulfilled.
Taking care of your needs deliberately makes you a better, more conscious, more intentional mom. I say deliberately because, the truth is that you always get your needs met. I always get my needs met. Everyone always gets their needs met… one way or another.
The healthy way to get your needs met is by asking. I have given you the formula to asking for what you need in another post, but here’s the easy summary:
- Genuine compliment
- Genuine appreciation
When we ask for what we need, we feel better about ourselves, and we can know for certain where the other person stands: they will either negotiate with you, give you what you need, or tell you “no way.” Either way, this allows you to make an empowering decision.
And, I get it, it is the idea of getting a “NO” that feels frightening. We are vulnerable when we ask for what we need, because it may lead to rejection. Vulnerability, as it turns out, is the price of love, joy, success, and pretty much everything that makes us feel significant.
Now, you may be thinking, how on earth can I get my needs met if I don’t ever ask? Or, if I get my needs met no matter what, why does it feel like I’m not? I’ve asked these very questions, because many times in my life, I felt as if I didn’t have what I needed. And as a mom, life gets so hectic that I sometimes am amazed that I had time to breathe.
The truth is, you have needs too, and they are as important as everyone else’s in the family. A need is something that is required to happiness and well-being.
It’s your duty to examine what those needs are, find healthy ways to meet those needs, and spell the needs out (even organize how) when you expect those needs to be met through other people. You’re in charge of your own self-care.
When we don’t ask directly, we unconsciously get our needs met in other ways, unhealthy ways that hinder our connection to God, to ourselves, and to the other members of the family. That’s why I say it is selfish to not get your needs met, because you always will get them met, however, the outcome will be different depending how.
When we are not upfront, we tend to use manipulation to get our needs met. For example:
- Doing favors
- Saying yes when we want to say no
- Lying and/or making false promises
- Flattering others insincerely
- Making yourself out to be “the victim” or “martyr”
- Being a chameleon
- Infusing guilt
- Dropping hints
- Using emotional punishment (or withholding)
- Gossiping and/or complaining
Have you engaged in any of these? You don’t have to answer that to me, but do ponder and examine so you can gain that awareness. I certainly have checked each of these boxes at one time or another.
I like the way Dr. Phil says it:
“The word “need” is not a synonym for weakness. Rest assured that the fact that you have needs, and that you must rely on another person to meet them, is a good and healthy thing.”
The reason we manipulate, complain, or otherwise hide our authentic self is usually because we adopted a limiting belief that invalidates or mocks that need. You may think a certain need is “childish,” or “not important enough,” or “embarrassing.” That’s inner-bully thinking! The fact is: they are just needs (no label required) and needs must be met.
Our only choice is to meet our needs; however, we do choose whether to be upfront, direct, and straightforward about them, or to be evasive, vague, and roundabout in our ways.
The second way is selfish because it places an unfair expectation for our family to read our mind or guess what our deepest needs are. It also sets us up for feelings like: frustration, resentment, anxiety, stress, and overwhelm.
If you don’t effectively meet your needs, you really can’t meet the ones of others, namely your partner or/and your kids. You would be selfish to withhold your best self from your family because of fear or pride. You cannot give what you don’t have!
To avoid being a selfish mom, I encourage you to do the following courageous exercises:
- Get real about your specific needs and passions: identify and uncover each one of them
- Communicate those needs with the people in your life
- Be proactive in getting those needs met so you can be your best self
When you get your needs met, you benefit your family incredibly because you lead by example:
- Being happier, more present, and more productive.
- Fostering an environment where sharing your needs is encouraged.
- Having the courage to shine your own light without fear of judgment.
It’s selfish to not get your needs met in a direct, intentional, healthy way. It is in your family’s best interest that you get in touch with your needs, communicate them, and go for them. When mama ain’t happy… you know the drill.
Do you have a need that took you a while to admit? Are you one of the brave ones who always gets her needs met, and if so, how do you do it? I really want to hear your thoughts about my words, too! Love and blessings! xo