Filling Up The Void In My Heart

The last Sunday of July is Father’s Day in my home country and August 10th is my dad’s birthday. I miss my DAD. He is my HERO in so many ways.

• He always finds a way to LIFT me up, CHEER me up, replace my tears with GIGGLES and SMILES, and help me see my own STRENGTH when I feel weak.
• He gives the best HUGS ever and his WISDOM is only equal to the immeasurable JOY he shares with everyone that crosses his PATH.
• He has always BELIEVED in me, PRAISES me, and offers advice when I feel LOST.

I’m CELEBRATING my daddy. He’s many miles away… with my siblings, but he’s always with ME in my heart! And although I am happy and I know it’s a blessing I have such an amazing dad and he’s still with me, I am crying. I would like to be there. I want to go HOME.

You know, this is a touchy subject, but a lot of people approach me and comment on what a wonderful thing is for me to have been able to come to the United States and, I’m not complaining, but they create a different story in their heads than I have in my heart. I didn’t come here in search of opportunity; as a matter of fact, it was the complete opposite.

In the summer of 1999, when I came as part of the Work and Travel program, I fell in love with a man whom I ended up marrying in the Dominican Republic in 2001. At the end of that year, I was hesitant, yet I still left a successful corporate career, my loving family, my supportive friends, and the first home I ever owned to move to California and start a family.

A little over 3 years of marriage and life as a stay-at-home-mom, and soon after a week-long cross-country drive to Florida, I was suddenly left a single mom of two toddlers to start over again. That’s when I started wondering why on Earth had I given it all up for this man. I was so hard on myself. I felt like such a fool. Have you ever felt like you wasted time, energy, and resources on someone who did you wrong?

I felt so angry, frustrated, humiliated, ashamed, scared, hurt, clueless, demoralized, crushed, and alone!

The worst part was feeling STUCK: I couldn’t go back home without full legal custody, which ended up taking almost three years to achieve.

I am blessed to say that God helped me to bounce back and I gave myself permission to turn my passion into my paycheck by becoming a success guide, mentoring moms worldwide to get started on their own entrepreneurial journey so they can enjoy time with their kids while doing meaningful work in the world.

I am in the United States by choice now – and grateful – but I still miss the Dominican Republic, my family, my friends, my culture. I used to travel there a lot with the girls, but I haven’t been able to renew their passport without their dad’s signature and it’s been almost three years since I’ve been there.

Every holiday, birthday, and special day, I feel a void forming in my heart… and I feel tempted to beat myself up about my first marriage.

Despite all that has happened, and that I haven’t seen him in almost a decade, I can say my ex-husband has blessed me so much: he first gave me my first two daughters, then left them behind (which means I got to keep them – yay!), and through his departure he removed a huge stumbling block, allowing me to see my strength and get back to the path toward my purpose.

My eyes are swollen, yet my heart is full once again, because I know God knows the eternal puzzle that I can’t see in my own understanding, and that grounds me in trusting that “all things work out for good” and helps me remember that I am so blessed to have such an amazing dad who loves me… just as I am.

As I continue to struggle, I’ll continue to fervently pray about this situation. Will you join me?

[ela]