I reconnected with a friend last week and we had a short and powerful chat, catching up about the challenges we both experienced in the past year or so. We discovered that we react similarly to pain, trials, and turmoil when they inevitably show up in our lives.

We hadn’t really connected for a while because we were both focused on staying happy and positive, which required an unusual degree of isolation.

The saying goes that “we never lose friends, we simply learn who the real ones are,” and every time I set a new boundary to conserve energy (like no texting, no direct messaging on social media, or becoming more strict on how much of myself I devote to a person or project), I have notice people drop me faster than a hot potato.

Life is too short and hard to do what we don’t want to do or is uncomfortable and I set boundaries to respect myself and not to offend anyone. Like offending people could even be on our list of priorities with everything we have going on. Right?

Now that my friend and I are a bit ahead on our healing journeys, we can talk with one another and pick up where we left off, without anyone taking it personally.

My interaction with her inspired me to write about the things we need to let go of to be happier and more positive each day, especially when we have been through a very hard time.

7 Things You Need To Let Go Of To Be Happier And More Positive

When you let go of these 7 things on a daily basis, you will definitely experience greater happiness and a greater sense of positivity in your life.

Let go of complaining ~ Complaining is a useless habit that doesn’t change anything. A lot of people can’t move forward in life, can’t get what they want, and can’t achieve what they want to achieve because they complain too much.

Some of my favorite verses in the Bible are on Habakkuk 2:2-4. This prophet came to God to complain and God didn’t address his complaints.

And the Lord answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it.

For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.

Habakkuk was told to focus on his vision and make it clear, and pretty much that complaining was blocking his blessings, which would come in God’s timing.

Remember Martin Luther King Jr.’s famous speech titled “I have a complaint“?

I’m just teasing!

But seriously, he had so much to complain about and he focused on his dream, his vision, his desires, rather than on the inhumane reality people of color were experiencing.

Like you, I also feel frustrated, irritated, and aggravated at times, but here’s the deal: the more we choose to complain, the more we will remain in the situation we are complaining about.

Complaining drains our energy and that’s why most people who complain don’t do anything to change their conditions and circumstances.

God answers the prayer of faith, not the complaint of the murmurer because ultimately, you have a part in the manifestation of your own prayers.

Let go of blaming ~ When we think of blaming, we often think of someone pointing the finger, telling someone else “it’s your fault!” That can be the case, but many times, it’s way more subtle than that. People blame the past, their pain, their upbringing, their health issues, the economy, and pretty much anything that can be blamed for their misfortunes.

The people who are truly happy are the people who stop blaming and start taking responsibility.

When you are in blame mode, trying to find who’s a fault it is, or making sure everyone knows WHY you’re in pain, you are stuck. Fault and responsibility don’t go together – life isn’t fair like that.

I was trying to explain this to my daughters last year because the pain we experienced was definitely not our fault, but what we chose to do with that is our responsibility. 

My happiness, my safety, my peace of mind are my responsibility. My daughters are my responsibility. The moms who invested in my coaching, my training, and my strategy services are my responsibility. My commitment to follow my God is my responsibility. 

If you were to take 5% more responsibility in one area of your life, what would you do?

I told my story because writing is an important step in my healing, because I didn’t want to repeat and relive the same thing, and because I didn’t file a police report and I wanted to at least send out a warning to the universe. And then… I took responsibility. I showed up for the people I needed to show up for, pouring out the little energy I had left into them.

Let go of comparing ~ Much of our unhappiness comes from comparing to others or even to ourselves. Competition has been so ingrained in our society that many people don’t even realize when they are operating in comparison mode. Comparison creates jealousy and arrogance because there will always be someone whom you perceive to be ahead or behind you. Life is a journey, not a race.

Comparison steals your joy because it drives you to do things for the wrong reasons: undue pressure, expectation, and need to prove and perfectly perform to impress everyone.

Comparison can kill your dreams, your personal relationships, and even your business endeavors because it makes for a toxic working environment.

It is a very rare occasion that I compare myself to another person, but while I was pregnant, I did find myself comparing to my non-pregnant “more productive self,” because it was hard for me to be in bed.

It was a wake-up call to be kinder to myself and to be really intentional about my interactions and what I said Yes or No to during that time. I know sometimes it can be hard to set boundaries because we don’t seem like the “nice” (sacrificial/people-pleasing) person we were trained to be, but I didn’t come to Earth to be nice, but even Jesus couldn’t please or help everyone when He was here – in fact, He even chose not to help, but rather leave in many an occasion!

One way that I learned to stop comparing myself with others was to see what triggered the comparison and whether it felt helpful or hurtful. For example, I compare to my dad a lot because I want to be like him, and it inspires me to improve, rather than to feel guilty or inferior to him.

Let go of resentment ~  Resentment springs from a feeling that you’ve been treated unfairly, unjustly, and wrongly. Whether you are right in your perspective or not, the pain and its emotions (anger, sadness, fear, disgust) are valid and need to be expressed and resolved before you can move on).

That’s how you’ll know someone is resentful – when they keep bringing the past up: their pain is caused by an unwillingness to accept the past. 

You get resentful when something is not how you want it to be. You believe it shouldn’t be that way and should be a different way. Resentment is directly linked to assumptions and expectations.

When I still had hopes for my marriage, I assumed that if I did my part, I could expect that the other party would do theirs. When this didn’t happen, and I was consistently disappointed, I resented it so much. I was so depressed and so angry, feeling guilty that I had chosen “this” for myself.

Relief came when I realized that acceptance doesn’t mean endorsement. My preference is not to be divorced and to have a healthy, thriving, loving marriage, but I had to accept the reality and “give it” a different meaning.

I also had to be honest with myself and see that there is usually something underneath that which offends us. Regardless of the toxic dynamics, my feelings were a result of my beliefs, standards, core values, and the unhealed wounds that were triggered.

One of my mottos is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that says “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” If you ever feel worthless, it is because of your low sense of worth, not because of anything anyone did, didn’t do, said, or didn’t say.

Repeating this quote to myself always brings me back to the truth of who God says I am and who God says the other person is, too. It helps me avoid making a villain out of someone who is just living as best as they know.

Resentment is toxic to ourselves and to our relationships, so I try to evaluate myself often and make sure it doesn’t remain in me, so I can trade my feelings of powerlessness for a focus on creating the results I want and need.

Let go of justifying ~  Justification is usually what keeps most people from building their dreams. They always have some explanation as to why they can’t have, be, do, experience, or express what they say they want so badly.

In most cases, the reasons (excuses) people use to justify where they are in life has to do with being committed to being right and staying where they are: their stance, their conditions, their circumstances, etc. 

Blaming is a huge part of justification because if it’s someone else’s fault, we are powerless in a given situation. Blame leads to resentment, so that drains their energy and clouds their perspective.

Comparison also plays a part in justification, because we separate from others who “have it much better” or “have greater odds” to convince others that we would, but we couldn’t possibly succeed in the pursuit of our goals. Why even do it?

The words “IF ONLY” illustrate justification quite well. They take away our power and give “an explanation” as to why we are not willing to do what it takes and why we are imprisoned in our limitations.

What are some reasonable beliefs that are currently keeping you from moving forward? Are you willing to be coachable and accept a fresh perspective from someone who has achieved what you want, even if it slaps you hard on the face? (Sometimes it takes quite a shaking to finally become free of limitations).

When you are thinking about justifying yourself, think of those who achieved what you want against all odds. If anybody ever did it, you can do it too!

Let go of pity ~ In 12 step recovery programs, self-pity is considered to be a character defect; however, self-pity itself is highly addictive and I believe wallowing in self-pity is one of the most dangerous drugs because people can be self-pity junkies for years and not even realize they are hooked until they sink deep into hopelessness, helplessness, and despair.

I love how Paul Hoffman describes self-pity:

Self-pity, while it should be accorded due respect, is the greatest of all acids to the human soul.

When someone is focused on a “poor me” and “why me” state, we often refer to it as “victim mentality.” Victims exist and the pain of victimhood is real, and I should know.

Life is not always rainbows and butterflies and people hurt people, and those wounds can get deep. It is healthy to go through and process the pain that we feel, without invalidation; however, we must also acknowledge some things as we take care of ourselves.

I had the most depressing days in 2019 than any other year since 1996. I spent a lot of time pondering on my role in what happened, seeking the purpose, meaning, and perspective I needed to find in it, wondering how it may serve me in the future.

Yes, I was a victim, and will always feel the impact of it – there is no permanent healing for grief and pain, but I don’t need to dwell on it and bring it up in every conversation or let it prevent me from living a full, free life.

The Oxford dictionary defines empathy as “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another,” while pity is “the feeling of sorrow and compassion caused by the suffering and misfortunes of others.”

Feeling sorry for yourself is different than having compassion for your hardships, as much as it is different to feel sorry for another or feel compassionate feelings for them.

Self-pity leads to blaming, resenting, and complaining because it leads you to think you must be good when someone else is bad.

For those who don’t feel worthy of love, seeking pity from others can feel the only way to get the acceptance, approval, and appreciation that a person craves, but it is in fact a useless and destructive emotion that achieves the opposite effect. It gets old.

Let go of regrets ~  Gary Vee says that “the biggest poison in us is regret.” I agree with this statement because the feeling that we did something wrong or that we didn’t dare do the right thing can be paralyzing. The guilt can consume us, because that’s what happens when we betray our true nature, don’t align with our core values or don’t live up to our potential.

Les Brown, one of my mentors, says the wealthiest place in the world is the graveyard because most people are scared to “live full and die empty,” so they take their greatness with them.

We can avoid some regrets when we think of how precious life is and how each day could be the last. If you had just one more day to live, what would you do differently? 

I’ve come to just be more accepting of the things that happen and give up control. I keep reminding myself that I am not God and choosing to adopt the belief that if something happened, maybe it should have, and that everything has led me to be here, at this moment… and that’s all I have.

I know it feels like a lot of work just to stay happy and positive, and, boy, that doesn’t even spare us from unpleasant people and events in life! But it feels good to know we can be active participants in our own happiness and not mere victims of fate. 

Complaining, blaming, comparing, resentment, justification, pity, and regrets are mental blocks that cause misery, worry, shame, and fear, and lead us all to act in contentious and passive-aggressive ways.

It’s time to shift our minds and shed our paradigms. We are usually addicted to drama: aggravation, agitation, arguments, but we are a divine people and we can get a little closer to the noble being we are meant to be.

Let’s let go… or better yet, as Byron Katie would advise, let’s question our motives, our beliefs, and our stories, so they let go of us.

What do you need to let go of to be happier and more positive? Share with us in the comments below.

Founder of the Positive MOM® and creator of the S.T.O.R.Y. System: a blueprint to craft and share powerful stories that will transform your results and help others do the same. Dr. Elayna Fernández is a single mom of 4, an award-winning Storyteller, Story Strategist, and Student of Pain. She’s a bestselling author, internationally acclaimed keynote speaker, and 5x TEDx speaker. She has spoken at the United Nations, received the President’s Volunteer Lifetime Achievement Award, and was selected as one of the Top Impactful Leaders and a Woman of Influence by SUCCESS Magazine. Connect with Elayna at thepositivemom.com/ef and follow @thepositivemom. To receive a gift from Elayna, click HERE.

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