When You Are Free I Will Be Free

In volume II of the book This I Believe, we find the story of James Loney, a peace activist who survived after being held hostage for 118 days in Baghdad in the year 2005.

He told the story how one of the captors accidentally wiped his hands on a towel the prisoners used to “clean up their mess” and then pointing at his wrists exclaimed: “When you are free, I will be free.”

I love this fragment in the chapter:

I believe there are many ways we can hold one another captive. It might be with a gun, an army, a holy book, a law, an invisible free-market hand.

It doesn’t matter how we do it, who we do it to, or why. There is no escaping it: We ourselves become captives whenever we hold another in captivity.

Whenever we soil someone else with violence, whether through a war, poverty, racism or neglect, we invariably soil ourselves.

It is only when we turn away from dominating others that we can begin to discover what the Christian scriptures call “the glorious freedom of the children of God.”

When I stumbled upon this story, I remember I was so compelled to look inside myself and examine whom I could possibly be holding captive and to truly reflect on captivity and freedom, and what each of those states mean.

cap·tiv·i·ty /kapˈtivitē/  The condition of being imprisoned or confined.
Synonyms:  imprisonment – confinement – slavery

free·dom /frēdəm/ The power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.
Synonyms:  self-government, independence, self-determination, self-rule, autonomy

Nelson Mandela taught us that there’s more to freedom than being out of a physical prison:

For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.

To really experience this glorious freedom, we are required to act, to bless others without judgment, with respect, and compassion. When we allow others to be free, we free ourselves.

I care so much about people and, because I have been given a gift of discernment, for which I am very grateful. One of the ways I show it is by offering advice: creating strategies, action plans, and escape routes just comes natural to me and, trust me, using my gift to bless others is an urge I don’t even try to fight.

But here’s the thing, advice stops being advice when it’s unsolicited or unwelcome. Control, captivity, and domination can sometimes come disguised as constructive criticism, a “friendly” suggestion, or even an intervention. 

As a mom, coach, and influencer, it’s necessary for me to be intentional in my interactions with others.

I have come to learn that real influence is a by-product of trust, consistent and meaningful contribution, and authentic connection (the type that is created by being invested in others and truly listening to understand). 

I’ve been thinking about this a lot because of some recent heated debates on my Facebook timeline. 

For example, I was called a “rapist supporter” because I posted about forgiving my attacker and finding compassion in my heart for him. Or how about that one time someone messaged my husband out of concern for me with regard to “baby killing” and “man hating” simply because I admire Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

In the latest episode, I was told I needed to stop “pretending to be perfect,” being self-righteous, prideful, unable to be objective, being unwilling to grow my mind and be teachable, as well as accused of wanting to “rewrite God’s words to fit my own bias,” and “disputing something that is indisputable.“

It was a feast of personal attacks, victim blaming, judging, and name calling, all because I didn’t agree that I was responsible for my husband’s betrayals, while I was researching the topic of infidelity for a college assignment. 

I love that when I ask a question, express my beliefs, or share my insights, I get comments that both support and oppose that perspective. Disagreement is expected, but to really influence people, we must first accept that they are free to believe what they choose, and perhaps, seek to understand why.

Being free to choose my own path requires that I respect the choices of others even when I don’t understand them. 

I feel blessed that I was born in a world where you can express your thoughts and beliefs in a public forum and reach hundreds of thousands of people, especially when women have been especially denied of this right for centuries. I love this freedom and I also love that others are free to do the same. Why must I deny others a privilege that I hold so dear?

Although I am not one to shy away from a healthy debate, rather than trying to convince someone to change their opinion by defending my own and attacking their belief system, I would prefer that we each listen to one another, treating each other with respect, and reminding one another that we care for each other as people.

I love how Jesus handled debates by asking thought-provoking questions and quoting  universal truth, rather than hanging on to isolated verses or cases.

I always say that joy comes from doing right, not from being right. Happiness never came from trying to impose your will and your perspective on others. Desperately seeking to be right is like cuffing your wrists so tight they start bleeding. 

I definitely think that these people are entitled to their opinions and I can see where they are coming from, especially since I have invested the time to know them and their history. But whenever I engage in discussing a topic when someone who disagrees, it’s helpful to remind myself that I believe that every person deserves respect, that -at our core – we are more similar than we are different, and that they have a right to choose what they believe, what they say, and what they do.

Every person has been shaped by their upbringing, their culture, their social context, and the many experiences in their life journey, and thus we all form opinions and make decisions based on these diverse factors.

This is relevant to us moms because our children are free to choose, too. And sometimes amidst our fear, our insecurities, and our unhealed pain, we want to steer them in the direction we think is right, and we end up keeping them and ourselves hostage.

I have made it a priority to really know and understand my children, and that starts with truly listening to them. This requires me to do some hard things: first, I must put invisible imaginary tape on my mouth when they’re sharing their perspective, and second, I must not judge this perspective.

And because I know I will fail on the second one – and often! – I have made a pact with myself to not remove the invisible imaginary tape until I am sure I have found a non-judgmental thing to say.

Our families, our friendships, and other partnerships and relationships don’t have to wither and die because we disagree with one another. We can have different opinions, different lifestyles, and make different choices, while holding respect for one another.

I am friends with people that worship, vote, and live differently than I do, and I still feel their love, appreciation, and genuine concern.

In times of hardship, it doesn’t matter whether they pray for me, send ‘vibes,’ or say ‘the universe has my back,’ what matters is that they care. 

Ultimately, I don’t know if there absolutely is a right way to do things or there are right things to believe. And I admit I don’t really know what is best or even right for my own children. I just do what I know and what I can in the manner I know to do it, while seeking to increase my awareness.

Today, I invite you to reflect upon this along with me:

1. What is holding me captive?
2. How can I free myself and others from captivity?
3. What can I do right now to start the process?

When I feel personally attacked because of my values, my beliefs, or my lifestyle, I strive to drop my self-importance, to remind myself that I am capable of doing the same, and to take these situations as a sign of what I must be careful of, the attitudes I must avoid. When I am no longer hostage of those emotions, I can preserve those relationships that are precious to me.

When I am free you will be free. When you are free I will be free. Do you agree? The truth is that we all matter, and as we learn to respect each other we will no longer be captive, because “the truth shall set [us] free!”

[ela]