I think it was about 10 years ago that I ran across a simple yet inspiring poem titled “When You Thought I Wasn’t Looking” and it touched my heart so much that I had to share it with my community.

A few days ago, I had a delightful conversation with the author, Mary Rita Schilke Sill, who told me the story of how she wrote this poem for her mother and then it started being shared in multiple media outlets, including prominent ones, and it’s been usually either attributed to the wrong author or shared with an inscription of “author unknown.”

I really enjoyed looking through her website about how the poem came to be and its significance. I don’t remember how I stumbled upon it, but it resonated with me because I always say that the lessons our children learn from us are “caught, not taught.”

We say that as moms we have “eyes in the back of our head” and, if this is true, children must have invisible eyes all over from head to toe. Maybe they have one huge eye, like Mike Wazowski (from Disney’s Monsters, Inc. and Monster’s University), because they’re “always watching.”

When You Thought I Wasn’t Looking 

When you thought I wasn’t looking
You hung my first painting on the refrigerator
And I wanted to paint another.
When you thought I wasn’t looking
You fed a stray cat
And I thought it was good to be kind to animals.
When you thought I wasn’t looking
You baked a birthday cake just for me
And I knew that little things were special things.
When you thought I wasn’t looking
You said a prayer
And I believed there was a God that I could always talk to.
When you thought I wasn’t looking
You kissed me goodnight And I felt loved.
When you thought I wasn’t looking
I saw tears come from your eyes
And I learned that sometimes things hurt
But that it’s all right to cry.
When you thought I wasn’t looking You smiled
And it made me want to to look that pretty too.
When you thought I wasn’t looking
You cared
And I wanted to be everything I could be. When you thought I wasn’t looking
I looked And I wanted to say thanks
For all the things you did
When you thought I wasn’t looking

Mary Rita Schilke Sill ©1980. 

Sometimes it’s so easy to underestimate the impact we have as moms. We often strive to do it all, do it perfectly, and look good doing it – which is impossible, by the way – but the truth is that the little things matter.

You don’t need to be a super mom to make a difference in your children’s lives, and you know what? Sometimes, becoming a better mom is not about doing more for them, but doing less could actually be the answer. 

We never know when something microscopic will send our children a monumental message or will teach them a gigantic lesson. And our loving care benefits our kids in ways a perfectly clean and organized house never will. A mother’s encouragement, nurturing, and love impacts a child in immeasurable ways. 

In fact, studies show that the little things you do to nurture a child early in life helps that kiddo develop a larger hippocampus, the brain region important for learning, memory and stress responses. Can you believe that maternal support can physically change a child’s brain? 

And, as children grow, they may not acknowledge mom for everything she is and does, but they appreciate it more than you will ever know. They learn from every little thing you do and they form beliefs about love, life, and motherhood.

Knowing that every little thing I do used to be a nerve-racking thought for me. Like me, you may be thinking “I am less than perfect on my best days!,” but I learned that a little dose of humility and a pinch of vulnerability can compensate for that.

Being transparent to my kids about my weaknesses and shortcomings and apologizing when I do or say something wrong gives me peace to sleep at night. Of course, this takes some courage, effort, and time, because I gotta take an honest look at myself and then communicate with my children.

This communication thing is tricky, since I need to always remember that asking questions and listening are more important than talking. And I do love to talk – a lot. Oh, and they may not be in the mood or simply have the desire to answer questions and to chat with mom, so being patient enough to go through that process is quite an endeavor.

Robert Fulghum (author of All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten) once said:

“Don’t worry that children never listen to you;
worry that they are always watching you.” 

But you are a positive mom, and you mustn’t worry, because you are doing the best you can to be the best mom you can be. This “best mom” thing is not about being competition with other moms, but about being intentional in your interactions, actions, and reactions around and toward your children and course-correcting, when necessary. 

If you ever question whether you are doing enough, saying enough, or whether you are enough, you are not alone. I think a sense of inadequacy and self-induced guilt and shame come with the territory… because you care. But take this to heart:

Your good enough is good enough.

Get in the habit of telling yourself this!

My good enough is good enough.

Being a mom is hard: don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise – but don’t let that discourage you either because your impact is greater than you’ll ever realize and I guarantee you, you are doing better than you think. You’ve got this, mama!

What is something that helped you realize the impact of a mother’s example? A mother’s impact can change not only a child’s life, but a whole family, community, and the world at large. 

[ela]