You Get It When You Give It

What comes to your mind when you think about the phrase “you get it when you give it”? I’m talking about the L word. LOVE.

I seldom talk about this, but lately, I am becoming more open and vulnerable in all aspects of my life. I’ve been covering it up because I felt shame around this issue. I wanted my childhood to be perfect. To be honest, for a long period of my life, I wanted EVERYTHING to be perfect. Go ahead and laugh… perfection on Earth is a joke. A sick joke, to be exact. And I had fallen into that trap.

The raw truth is that my childhood not only wasn’t perfect (go figure!), it was actually extremely painful. I often felt scared, alone, and misunderstood. I didn’t feel loved or accepted, and what is worse, I didn’t feel safe. Unfortunately, I also felt like I had to fight back to survive.

I’ve had a shift, a breakthrough, an epiphany. My motto has always been “you cannot give what you don’t have” and it never occurred to me that I had the best that was possible, given the knowledge and resources that were available, and the existing circumstances. I am NOT condoning the hurtful words and hurtful actions that wounded me, rather acknowledging the truth from a more compassionate healing perspective.

Maya Angelou taught a powerful lesson when she said “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” I am in tears as I ponder on this powerful message.

How many times have you felt like you could have done something differently?

Regret can be poisonous. I choose not to punish myself, not to hate, not to hold a grudge: we all did what we knew how to do. I choose to be grateful.

I am grateful for my childhood and for what it taught me. Through my misery, I found motivation, momentum, and miracles.

I am grateful for my scars for they remind me my wounds are healed. The shame is gone. I have released perfection and called myself “enough.” I have surrendered control and the need for approval.

I am grateful for second chances. Even though I know I will never be a child again, I have found love, protection, and magic in childhood. Through motherhood, I have found that love is a powerful force… and when you give it, you get it.

I strive to be patient and kind, to not envy nor boast, to not be proud nor rude, to not be self-seeking or easily angered, to not keep record of wrongs. I do my best to not delight in evil and rejoice in the truth. I protect, I trust, I hope, I persevere… and as long as I have done all I know to do, with what I have and what I know, I have NOT failed. I can give love. I can BE love. And so can YOU.

[ela]